Finding the Right Parent-Family-Couple Balance
16 Jul
We were having a wonderful visit with my grandparents just recently. They are really our favorite people – happy, vibrant, smart – both in life choices and overall intellect. Though they could retire and live off of grandpa’s fireman pension and their social security, they choose to continue to both work so that they can live comfortably, affording the extra luxuries that they only now are able to spoil themselves with.
I found myself looking at them and hoping that Ryan and I are as happy and comfortable as they are when we are their age – a discussion Ryan and I have had numerous times. We see a lot of similarities in their relationship dynamics and hope that we are able to be in a similar position as they are in 50 years from now. I started reflecting on what it would take to make sure we follow a similar path, and why it is that so many families seem to miss the mark on this one.
Smart life choices is huge – but consciously maintaining the relationship is really the key, I would venture to guess.
Specifically, in my grandparents’ day (and even my parents’ generation to some extent) they talk about how the grown-ups would have parties in the ‘parlor’ while the children would have to play in a different room, knowing they are to leave the grown-ups alone. To many parents today, this probably sounds appalling – after all, our children are the most precious things in our lives, so shame on anyone who would dare leave them to fend for themselves for a few hours while the parents have a good time. They may not have had it all right, but what they did seem to have right is in making time for one another as a couple, and amongst other grown-ups, to have good old fashioned grown-up fun without the children being the main focus.
Looking at parents of today’s youth, the biggest mistake I see being made is in becoming so involved in and consumed by their childrens’ lives that they a) smother their children with so much attention that the children become spoiled brats with major entitlement issues and no independent coping skills, or b) are just so involved in their childrens’ lives that when the kids are grown and move out, they realize they have nothing left.
These are two of many possible scenarios, but both are extremely common – and the key mistake, I think, is in letting parenthood define them as people, thereby overshadowing their identity as individuals as well as within their relationship. They become no longer a couple, but a family (or worse, just parents) – and when kids are out of the picture, their identity becomes simply parents without their kids, making it hard for them to revert back to being a couple again.
Every generation has the same aspiration – to make sure their children have every opportunity and experience that they were never able to have. But for the many who take it to the extreme to make up for all of the love they feel they missed out on, they are only creating yet another chain reaction – one in which their children feel smothered, and their marriage likely suffers.
As a mother, I think this is an important observation, because the knee-jerk reaction to raise our kids so that they have everything we didn’t have may very well make us forget to pass on all of the good that we learned from our parents (as much or little as it may be).
But maintaining a relationship with your partner while raising a healthy and happy child is a constant balancing act. It is so easy to just want to enjoy every moment I have with my daughter, that I do tend to neglect my husband at times. But simple one-night getaways every few months been a great tool in helping us remain connected enough to ensure we don’t lose ourselves in our identity as parents. Afterall, we were a couple before we were parents, and that can’t be forgotten – especially since a happy couple does a much better job at raising a happy child.
So hopefully by making these insights this early on, we are on the right path to ensure we are as happy as my grandparents are in 50 years’ time!
